Posted on Sunday, 8 April
I can’t believe how much my brother’s changed. He’s definitely changed for the better. I know that sometimes (if not ALL the time), we fight but it’s all about the times he sticks up for me and becomes a real brother that brings us closer. I got home late last night and my brother knew my situation and tried his hardest to stick up and cover for me. I actually respect him for that.
And when there were cop sirens going off by the house, he called, frantic, wondering whether I had been in an accident. Clearly cares about me even though he will NEVER admit it. He’s too good of a brother to do that.
Posted on Sunday, 8 April
Okay so number one thing on my mind: this boy. A boy who may potentially (if not already) is boyfriend type. He’s just my kind of perfect.
I like how he laughs at my jokes even though they’re not remotely funny. And I like how he’s not giving up on my dancing just yet either. You know how when a person looks at you and its just like you HAVE a connection with them? That’s how I feel. It’s weird. I hardly understand it myself, but that’s just what I feel.
Oh and did I mention he kissed me? I really wanted him to kiss me that day and I knew he was thinking the same thing so it just eventually…..happened. It was cute.
HE introduced me to him friends and yes, they’re all really funny but I get the feeling they still haven’t grown up. I just worry that those guys won’t go anywhere. And possibly including this guy. Yes, he has a future with dancing but its wildly rare that you’d become famous from rapping when it’s horrible.. Love em’, but those raps are just jokes.
Posted on Saturday, 31 March
I don’t know what to do about this boy. I mean he writes me this incredibly beautiful letter and now I have no idea what to do with it. Oh wait—- no I went and messed up everything again! He’s all I could ever want in a guy and I mean EVERYTHING is perfect. So why did I back away? Am I that afraid of commitment? Someone, be my psychiatrist and tell me what the hell my problem is.
My current dilemma is the fact that I have one guy who is a complete romantic or another, who’s crazy about me and so easy to be around. I don’t know what to do!
I mean. Just read this. I melt.
Miss Allie Payseno- I don’t know what to say or how to say it but every morning, afternoon, and night your on my mind, Allie I’ve never been more interested and infatuated with a girl like I am with you, there’s no other girl on my mind or in my world that compares to you. Truly what I want is to start a deeper and more meaningful relationship with you. I want to be your man, and spend endless hours with you and learn everything there is to know about you. I want to take you out to dinner, the movies, dancing, hiking, I want to watch the sunrise and sunsets with you, I want to buy you flowers and gifts, I want to write you poetry and love letters. Every day I would be willing to massage you from head to toe. The reason I want to do these things for you is not because I want a reward in return, it is out of compassion it’s because of my deep tender ineffable affection and solicitude towards you. So I do understand that I am older then you and we may have some differences, but if you have any interest in me I think we should pursue it. If I were given the chance to be your boyfriend, I would do nothing but respect your values, morals and boundaries. I would do nothing but support your dreams, ambitions and interests. I would be 100% faithful and never cheat or lie to you. I will listen to everything you tell me and I will remember what you tell me. I’ll do my very best to never bore you, and I’ll do so by being spontaneous, mysterious and unpredictable. Also I’m not looking to just hook up with you physically, I’m totally willing and I do believe it’s good to wait till marriage for sex. I know you have your own life and friends so I’ll give you your space and not get jealous. Given the chance to be your man I believe you would inspire me to grow and be a better person. Allie I want to be the one that makes you happy and makes you feel beautiful every day.
Basically I feel whether you’re interested in me or not I have to let you know how I feel. Also if you’re not interested in a relationship with me, I’d still like to be friends and keep the good rapport we have created at work! Have a Prodigious day Allie 
I think he kind of loves me……
I feel so horrible.
Posted on Sunday, 12 February
Today was pretty awful. It’s a Saturday and on Saturday’s I expo at Tuscano’s. Usually, it gets pretty hectic and I can handle in for the most part. It was OVERLY CHAOTIC tonight and everyone was in a horrible mood and being straight up assholes. They don’t take into consideration their words or actions and it’s especially hard on me and the guys in back. Our job is JUST as important as theirs, if not more.
And then, on top of everything, Jeff, who’s the greatest, nicest, most amazing person in the whole universe is leaving and I have no clue what I’m going to do without him.
Everyday I walk into work, I see Jeff’s smiling face, and he ALWAYS asks how me how I am because he GENUINELY cares about each and every person that much. He is just the most honest, friendly person I will ever meet in my lifetime and for him to not be there during a time of stress and chaos is just unbearable. He’s the only person (besides Aisha) who can keep me sane while I am trying to do my job. I will be left with no choice but to quit without him around if it continues to be like this. I will not let myself go home every night feeling miserable. As Jeff said, “Don’t ever settle for less than you deserve.”
He gave Aisha and I a paper (which I am planning to hang on my wall btw…..) that says,
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
Posted on Sunday, 9 October
I feel like the reason I put all my effort into things and why I really don’t care if I get dirty is because I want to prove to people that I’m more than a pretty face. There’s a hard working, tough girl underneath that skin and she will do whatever you tell her to, no matter how difficult the task may seem. I dive into things that most girls would squeal at the sound of, but I “take the bull by the horns” and get it finished— no complaints!
I’m proud of myself when I do those sorts of things. I like showing the guys that I can do exactly what they do. Just because I’m a girl does not mean I can’t lift plates or take ice buckets around. I can do whatever they can.
Posted on Sunday, 9 October
I’m so glad that I have been working as hard as I have been. Scott and Kathy both gave me the nicest compliments tonight, and I seriously took their words to heart. I’m so blessed to be where I am in life right now. The people I work with are honestly amazing, amazing people and I am so thankful. Not only to them but to my parents. They have raised me to be the most hard working, intelligent, honest, happy person that I am and I can’t tell them thank you enough.
AND Kelly wants me to train as a server!!!!!!!! OMG I’M DYING INSIDE RIGHT NOW <3
Posted on Tuesday, 20 September
I have finally reached the conclusion that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. Every time a new guy comes into my life, they quickly lose interest….or something like that. So then I find myself sitting in my bed at night, just crying my eyes out knowing that I’ll never, ever have a relationship with anyone. No one wants to be with me. What’s wrong with me? I’m never going to experience the love that all of my friends have experienced. I’m never going to have that pain in my heart after a break up, or even those butterflies people get when they’re with the one they love. I’ll never be able to do all of those couple themed things, or go on trips with a guy I’m dating because there will never BE a guy!
Why do I have to be so alone?
I can’t take this. I need to get away from everyone. My life’s been so stupid lately that I don’t even feel like getting up in the morning. All I feel like doing is curling up into a ball and crying all day, every day. I try to convince myself that there’s better things for me out there, but I’m getting to that point where I’ve just got to realize that that’s a lie I tell myself simply to get through the rest of the day. I’ve been saying it so long, that it’s actually stuck into my mind. Everyone I know has a significant other. And they’re all so happy. I want to be happy.
Posted on Saturday, 20 August
I met a guy. This is stupid that I’m even writing this because I make fun of girls who write “lovey” things about guys. BACK TO THE POINT: This guy is cute, I’ll admit it. But I could care less about looks. He’s everything I could ever hope for, seriously. He’s outdoorsy, he likes dogs, he likes to watch movies, work out, be spontaneous, TRAVEL, he’s wonderful. It’s like God shoved him in my life, knowing that I’d like him the very first time I talked to him.
We skyped a few nights ago and he said he liked me? Cuuuuute, but there’s no chance of a relationship surviving. Long distance things NEVER work. And the fact that I met him over Tumblr, doesn’t really help too much.
But he looked for Anastasia for me! That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. He doesn’t even know me, and he went looking it. He’s so genuine. Although, there’s the slight issue that he IS in fact a manwhore, but what guy isn’t? I like competition ;)
I can’t stop thinking about him. This is weird and especially for me because I try not to feel this way.
I find myself always running from guys when I don’t like something about them, but this is different. I’m comfortable being around him and we’ve shared things with each other that we haven’t even told our best friends.
Why does he have to live so far? I just want to go to his house and hang out with him. Is that really that difficult?
Posted on Sunday, 19 June
Today’s my 18th birthday. My golden birthday. Did I have a huge party like most teenagers? No. I woke up this morning and went to breakfast at a diner that served unsatisfying food and was just overall not the greatest. although it did have emotional history with my parents, I wouldn’t have picked if it were to happen again. Then my sister and I went to the Freemont Parade which was alright. I still would’ve rather gone on a ferry ride..
Then I got a camera lens from my parents. Thanks guys! I hate taking pictures! Mostly because there’s no point! I love that you guys know me so well!
All I wanted was a puppy. Maybe some artsy things or idk, even furniture would be cool. I know they can’t afford anything, but c’mon why would you go and buy me a camera lens? And especially one that isn’t that different from the one I already have. Word to the wise: Don’t let salesmen who live off of commission run into your parents who are last minute birthday shopping.
Posted on Wednesday, 20 April
-write about guys and relationships
-write about college and money
-write about people who make me feel dumb
-write about how I want to BE one of those people, intelligent and full of conversation.
-WRITE ABOUT PROM.
I came home today after an awesome, sunny day at school, after a nice bike ride, to find out that my dream college that I’ve been accepted to, I can’t even pay for. Like I’ll MAYBE get by paying tuition, but there’s no way in hell that I’ll be able to pay for living expenses or even meals.
Secretly, I do want to be in a dorm and meet awesome people who share the same values as I do. My mom met her longtime best friends in her dorm! Now, I won’t be able to do the same because I don’t have the money to do any of that. So now I have to pretend that I don’t even want to go there so I won’t be this financial burden to my parents. I hate money. It makes people do cruel things. And yet, I can’t live without it. It’s like a drug. You really end up despising it after awhile but there’s no way you could go without having that high.
Its stopped me from doing all sorts of things I guess. When I was younger,money wasn’t an issue. Well there was this one time where I remember my mom was crying hard in the car with my brother, sister, and I sitting in the backseat. I was probably ten and my brother and sister most likely don’t remember this. I asked her why she was crying, and she said that she didn’t even know if she had money for Christmas presents this year. Being the little smart ass that I was, I replied, “Oh it’s okay, Santa will bring them mommy.” Like that gave her any reassurance. I had some inkling that Santa wasn’t really real and I guess that was my way of trying to coax the answer out of her. That was my first conundrum that I encountered with money.
I love my parents very, very much and I greatly appreciate everything that they do for me but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be born into a wealthy family
